I deleted so many posts today, only because they reminded me of when I was sick, they reminded me of a time when I was figuratively trying on different hats to see what I liked, but nothing ever stuck. Everyday I think that tomorrow is going to be better, and everyday the same shit happens. I’m tired of having to force myself to eat, I’m tired of my anxiety being so high I can barely function, I’m tired…really that’s all it is. I want things to be easy again, I want to go out with friends, I want to actually have friends, I want to be able to go through my day without having to have such a strict meal plan in place. I want to be able to eat what I want and when I want it knowing that even if it’s a little too much or not exactly enough that it will all work out in the end, but I’m not there yet.
For me, I was always afraid of gaining weight because I associated it with a loss of control and that scared me, but losing weight is just as terrifying. So now I’m stuck in a position where I feel like I have to control everything I do; I have to be in control of everything I say, everything I eat, every action, every thought of every moment of everyday and in doing so I’m losing everything that makes me who I really want to be. I lost control before, I lost control before and stopped eating…I can’t let myself get back there.
I’m scared that I’m not good enough, that I’m never going to accomplish anything, I worry that nobody really likes me and that they are all pretending because people don’t like being around depressed people. I’m so scared that I have to put on a mask every morning so that people don’t really see how bad things are, I’m a chameleon, every conversation I’m a different person. Which is why I don’t know how to act in groups, I don’t know which version of myself to be so I just hide away and hope that somebody comes to me. I hate it. I’m disgusted with myself every time I look in a mirror, because all I see is a monster constantly changing faces. The funny thing is, people come to me for help because I’m reliable, I’m responsible, “I have my shit together”, but nobody will ever see how bad it really is.