You’re never going to see this

You’re never going to see this.

You’re never going to know how much you meant to me, never going to know how much it hurt when you walked away. After all that happened, after all that we went through, you walked away. You left, you found somebody else. You tell me that I’m the most important person to you, and you spend all your time with her. You say that I’m the person you care about the most, but you treat me like I’m nothing. You ignore me, you avoid me, you do whatever you can to spend as little time with me as possible. You told me to talk about my feelings, and then you shoot me down every time I try. I’m sorry that I’m not what you thought I was, I’m sorry that I’m not comfortable with hanging out with you and you’re new girlfriend, I’m sorry that I couldn’t meet somebody as quick as you did. I wish I could fix all that I broke between us, because there obviously has to be something wrong with me for you to treat me like this. I had to do something wrong, but you always lie and say I didn’t. You try to protect my feelings by hiding the truth, and lying about what is going on. You’re never going to know how much you hurt me, you’ve stopped caring, you abstain from listening, you’ve giving up trying. You were and still are everything to me, and now I’m nothing to you.

The worst part of all of this, no matter how bad it gets, no matter what happens, I wouldn’t change anything. I would do it all over again exactly the same way, because having these past few months with you were worth more to me than having a lifetime without.

My Struggles

For so long I had been hiding all that was wrong with me, all the issues I had, all the frustrations. I thought that life would be easier if I just pretended that everything was fine, that somehow things would get better if I just ignored all the problems. The depression that took over my life, the anxiety that keeps me from doing anything, the eating disorder that kept me weak. I wouldn’t let myself talk to anybody, growing up I was always taught that it was the manly thing to do to suppress all your emotions, because men weren’t supposed to have emotions; men were strong, confident, brave, and able to take on endless tasks without showing any signs of weakness. That wasn’t me. I wasn’t strong, brave, or confident. I wasn’t able to take on everything, I could barely handle getting out of bed.  It wasn’t always that way though, but I don’t have any memories from before it started getting bad. My memories consist of constant arguing, fighting, hateful comments, a family more content on bringing each other down instead of trying to make things better. I was an outsider in my own family, I had to actively try to hide my emotions or risk being belittled by my father. I had to hide my weak points, hide the times I was scared because my mom had enough to deal with. I couldn’t be near my sister, because she hated everything that I was and made it a point for me to know how little she cared.

It wasn’t really until I started college that things took a turn for the worse, without the constant need to put on a show for my family I retreated into the blank canvass that I was. I never really had the chance to figure out who I was growing up because I only ever focused on making others think I was something else, something that they would like and get along with. I became a chameleon. I didn’t know who I was. That’s when the depression took over. I couldn’t get up to go to class, and if there wasn’t a test I didn’t see the point. I started failing out of college, which was another thing on the long list of things that I had to hide. Then the eating disorder came in. I would go days without eating, almost as a way to prove that I could do something. Like somewhere somebody would be proud that I could go without food for days, somebody would look at me like I had complete control because I could keep myself from needing even the basic necessities of life. It took me 6 years before I could even tell somebody that I had an eating disorder.

When I told my dad about it, it was the scariest thing that I had ever done. I had to show all my weaknesses to the person I was trying the hardest to keep them from, and for the first time I saw a whole new person. The man I saw before me wasn’t the hard, unforgiving, uncaring father that I knew for 24 years, it wasn’t the person so hell-bent on destroying my mother that he took me down too. He was scared, and I had never seen him scared like this before.  I told him that I needed to go somewhere to deal with the eating disorder and he was supportive, and he did everything that he could to make it work.

After telling him, I had to tell everybody else in my family. Much to my surprise, everybody said they would do anything to help me, that they would support me no matter what. For so long, I had these impressions on what it meant for a man to have an eating disorder, it’s always talked about being something that girls deal with. So if I had an eating disorder it really meant that I was somehow less of a man. So I put myself into a treatment center and spent the hardest 3 months of my life trying to get to a better place. Things aren’t better for me, every meal is still a struggle, there is a war going on in my mind every second of everyday, a war between ending it and knowing that things get better. I’m not perfect, I can’t make things better overnight, but I don’t want to stop fighting. I’m tired of these feelings, and I’m the only person who can make them better.

(Not So) Super Sunday, Manchester 2 – North London 0

Super Sunday was just that for Manchester teams; in the first match Manchester City took a late win over Tottenham. After 55 goalless minutes, Samir Nasri made an exceptional darting run through the Tottenham defense, was picked out by an excellent pass, and he finished it off with a powerful first-time finish. After just a few minutes, Joleon Lescott bundled in off a deflected corner from Samir Nasri. A mistake from Joe Hart allowed Jermain Defoe to have an instant reply. Gareth Bale would cap off the comeback with a shot of immense quality. A curling left footed shot from outside the box goes just beyond the reach of Joe Hart. The final goal would be something of controversy; although there was no doubt it was a penalty, there were claims that Balotelli should have picked up a red card after he stepped on Scott Parker. Balotelli however, walked up to the penalty and calmly put the shot beyond the outstretched hand of Brad Friedel. After nearly securing a point from the league leaders, Tottenham fall just short losing 3-2.

In the second game, Arsenal would look for revenge after the 2-8 loss to Manchester United back in August; they would have to do so without Sagna, Gibbs, Santos, Henry, Wilshere and Arteta, though Manchester United also would have to deal without some players due to injury. The game started all for Man Utd, they were the more dangerous team through the first half and seemed almost destined to score before half and they did just that. Just before the half time whistle Valencia headed home a cross past Szczesny. The second half was much better for Arsenal, Arsene started off by subbing Nico Yennaris for the under performing Johan Djourou. There were nearly a few goals in the early part of the second half for Arsenal; arguably the best chance was in the 52nd minute when Robin Van Persie missed a sitter after mistake by Smalling that was capitalized on by Tomas Rosicky. I thought that Rosicky should have been more selfish and taken the shot himself, but I could not argue when he passed it off the RVP. Aaron Ramsey nearly had a goal himself, but his shot was always going high over the bar. The equalizer would come from none other than RVP who took a great first time shot off the post, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain made that goal with a great pass to get the ball the RVP. Then something unusual happened, Arsene Wenger decided to take off AOC (who had played very well and was a danger to United) and put on the little Russian Andrei Arshavin. Arshavin would make a major mistake, his poor defending allowed Valencia to attack the defense and the ball would find its way to Danny Welbeck who finished what would be the game winning goal. There were a couple late chances from Arsenal to level the game, but some goal line clearances from the Man U defense would keep Arsenal from winning the game. Arsenal are clearly missing the players likes of Gibbs/Santos, Sagna and Wilshere/Arteta. The title chances for both North London teams now seem completely gone, Tottenham are 8 points back and Arsenal are 18 points back, the struggle for Arsenal is whether or not they will be able to overcome the deficit to maintain a place in the Champions League. Arsenal have 36 points after 22 games, they are now 5 points back from Chelsea who have 41 points after the same 22 games.

The King Returns With A Bang, and Arsenal Progress

Not often does a player get the chance to play at a stadium with a bronze statue of him outside, but that is exactly what happened today. Through the first hour of the match it seemed another 3rd round draw at the hands of Leeds United would be the outcome, that was until Thierry Henry was introduced to replace the helpless Marouane Chamakh. Chamakh struggled to find much good in the 68 minutes he played, but it only took 10 minutes for Henry to completely change the outcome of the match. A great through ball from Alex Song and a lapse in concentration from the Leeds defender allowed Henry to calmly score what would be the game winning goal. Henry’s scoring total now reaches 227, and with a few more games left in his loan that total could go even higher.

Unfortunately all was not as good for Arsenal; already playing with a depleted back line, another player might have an extended time in the trainer’s room. Francis Coquelin left after 30 minutes with what looked to be a hamstring injury. With the likes of (Kieran) Gibbs, (André) Santos, (Carl) Jenkinson, and (Bacary) Sagna already injured, having another defender go down for any period of time would be very detrimental for Arsenal.

I thought that the starting XI did well for the most part; Andrei Arshavin was very wasteful with the chances that he did have, and Chamakh was all but absent throughout the game. I thought that Aaron Ramsey did particularly well with what was asked of him today, he was able to find some good passes to spring some other players and was a bigger threat to the defense than either Chamakh or Arshavin. Another player that did well offensively was Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, he made some good runs and even got a good shot on goal. Alex Song and Mikel Arteta were more than capable in the midfield, finding good passes, breaking up Leeds attacks, and starting Arsenal attacks. The back line and (Wojciech) Szczęsny were never really tested, but were able to take care of any would be attacks.

All around it was a comfortable win for Arsenal; it would have been better to get the goal earlier, but a win is a win and we progress to the 4th round to host Aston Villa.

Major Transactions in Sports

Within the past week there have been some major transactions that led to drastic switches in roster in both the NBA and MLB. Excluding the deals the Angels made for Pujols and C.J. Wilson, the San Diego Padres trades Mat Latos to the Cincinnati Reds for Brad Boxberger, Edinson Volquez, Yasmani Grandal, and Yonder Alonso. My first thought on this trade was “Who is Mat Latos and why are the Reds giving up so much?” A quick Google search showed that Latos is a 24 year old Pitcher who has a career record of 27 wins and 29 losses; last season he won 9, lost 14, and had a 3.47 ERA. The Reds needed some pitching help and obviously thought that Latos would do the trick, but they gave up a lot in return for him. I definitely think that the Padres got the better of this deal.

Another story that came out that Milwaukee Brewers OF Ryan Braun had apparently tested positive for Performance enhancing drugs and would face a 50 game suspension if it is upheld. Losing Braun would be a big blow to the Brewers who could also be losing Prince Fielder, though they have signed Aramis Ramirez, which will help a little.

In the NBA, Chris Paul was finally traded out of New Orleans to Los Angeles. Paul was traded to the Los Angeles Clippers along with 2 future draft picks for Eric Gordon, Al-Farouq Aminu, Chris Kaman and a draft pick from the Minnesota Timberwolves. Although the Clippers got a superstar in CP3, they had to give up a few good players. The most frustrating part of this whole ordeal was how the Commissioner (David Stern) handled the situation. It is very difficult for a fair trade to be made when the person who holds the overall power to accept or deny the trade has a vested interest in one of the sides. The LA Lakers had a deal accepted by the New Orleans Hornets for CP3, but was ultimately denied by the NBA for “Basketball Reasons”. The Lakers (and Rocket) were forced out of making any sort of deal not by the Hornets’ front office, but by the League itself. The Clippers then tried to get a fair deal in, but ultimately had to give up more than they wanted to get Chris Paul. It’s hard to decide who won this trade; the Clippers got Chris Paul and two future draft picks, but the Hornets got a few good players and (possibly) a high draft pick. For now I will call it a draw and see how it plays out, but I do not think they will be calling it “Clipper Town” any time soon. However, the obvious loser in this trade is the League itself, David Stern over stepped his bounds in vetoing the Lakers/Rockets/Hornets trade and then caused the Clippers to give up more than what might otherwise have been necessary.

50/50 Review

Earlier I was able to watch the new film 50/50, it stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogen, Anna Kendrick, and Bryce Dallas Howard. I am very happy that a friend of mine recommended that I see this movie, because I really liked it. The movie follows everyday guy Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who one day finds out that he has a tumor in his spine and now he has to deal with it. Along the way, he gets help from is friend Kyle (Seth Rogen), his girlfriend Rachel (Bryce Dallas Howard), and his counselor Katherine (Anna Kendrick). When you hear about the story, it is obvious that the movie can only ever end in two ways, but one of the best parts of 50/50 is the way that it takes you to the end.

I thought that both Seth Rogen, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt did a wonderful job with the roles they were cast for. I usually do not like the typical Seth Rogan type of movie and this was definitely not like those. Although Rogen was outside of what he is normally known for, he was still able to have moments where he did what you would expect him to do. As for Gordon-Levitt, he made his character relatable and was very convincing as a person who was going through immense emotional and physical toil. I also thought that Anna Kendrick did a great job, and after movies like the Twilight Saga it reminded me of how much I really liked her as an actress.

Overall I thought that it was a great film, something that was definitely worth paying the $7 ticket price at the theaters. If you have yet to see it, I would definitely recommend watching it. There were some very comical moments and some others that made me want to cry, but my favorite quote from the movie was:

Kyle: You could have totally f**ked the shit out of that girl.
Adam: No one wants to f**k me. I look like Voldemort.

I give it 4.25 out of 5.

Albert Pujols Signs With The Angels

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan I was a little upset when Albert Pujols signed for the L.A. Angels. I thought that the offer the Cardinals had made was good enough to keep Pujols in St. Louis for the rest of his playing career, but the offer that LA made was too good to pass up. The final offer the Cardinals made to Pujols was reported to be around $210 Million over 10 years, while the offer he finally accepted was said to be closer to $254 Million over the same 10 years. The most frustrating part of the entire situation was in the past Pujols was saying that the money was not the most important part of his decision, but in the end he chose more money as opposed to staying with the only team he had ever played for. However, with all that being said, I can understand with the economy issues that the country is having that Pujols would do what it takes to make as much money as possible. Yesterday there was an article on ESPN where Deidre Pujols (Albert’s wife) was talking some of the reasons that Albert left. She said that they had never planned to leave St. Louis, and that they did not have a reason to want to leave, but the initial offer that the Cardinals made was almost insulting. The initial offer was worth somewhere around $130 Million over 5 years. I do not think that a 5 year deal worth nearly $26 Million a year is an insult to a nearly 32 year old Baseball player, but that is just my opinion. They said that 5 years would not give them enough security, so the Cardinals showed that they would be willing to offer up to a 10 year deal. Unfortunately for St. Louis, $210 Million is not enough for a person who had stated before that he wanted to finish his career as a Cardinal. I have no issue with the offer that the Cardinals made to Albert, if anything I thought that it was too much of a financial risk to give a 31 year old a 10 year deal for that kind of money. With the way Pujols has played over his entire career, he definitely deserved to be one of the highest paid players in the league. This is where I have another problem, with the contracts that are being given out to these players there is only one way to go. The contracts given out to players like Pujols, and Alex Rodriguez already have and will continue to cripple the team that signs them. The Texas Rangers struggled after giving Rodriguez such a contract and the Angels might do the same. I wish that Albert Pujols would have stayed with the Cardinals, but I cannot blame him for taking the higher money offer, especially when he could be done playing within a few years.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,317 other followers